Stacy's Hope Chest

Chapter 1 - It's Important to Surround Yourself with Positivity

4/1/2023

It is important to surround yourself with positivity. That is what I have been told. All of you mean the world to me, and I know you care, which is why I created this group. I may have been able to connect personally with each of you yet, but if I haven't...I was diagnosed with stage 0 breast cancer at the beginning of February 2016 after a swollen cyst got my attention and got me to the doctor. I wanted to find a way to share what I was going through because it can happen to anybody. Whether you reach stage 0 breast cancer, stage 4, or any other disease, we all go through a "glass cage of emotion." This is my way of coping and maybe inspiring someone to get a mammogram, make that follow-up appointment, or hug the ones you love. I will continue to post as I go through this experience, not to practice my non-existent writing skills but to maybe spark a moment of pause for you. A chance to re-examine your life and ask yourself if you are thrilled. Or if you were taken off your path, what would you do? Would you take the way less traveled and go about it yourself? Would you give in and ask for directions? Or would you use the opportunity to build a brand new path that never existed? Or, maybe you had the road plan for it but didn't have the know-how to start creating it.
If you choose to leave the group, I promise I won't be offended. I want to share a story and keep you updated because I know that you care about me as much as I care about you. Here goes nothing...
I've had many biopsies since age 28 that were found through self-breast exams, and I had just had two biopsies done in June of 2015 that, thankfully, were benign. I was just about to schedule my six-month follow-up when I had a very tender, rather large, cyst protruding from my right breast. My doctor said as a precaution to have an ultrasound and MRI just in case. Yet again, I found myself in the very familiar office of Jefferson Radiology, where I swear the nurse helped me six months ago when I was there! I honestly felt very confident that it was going to be okay...Every other time it was benign...what was there to worry about? What would be so different about this time? They found two spots that needed to be poked and prodded at yet again...my boobs were starting to look like a game of connect-the-dots! I remember riding in with my husband Grant to get the two biopsies done and how I popped enough Xanax to make myself pretty darn comical. I thought I hate needles, but hey, I got this...at least I get a day off from work! It's all good.
The second I get set up on the table and sized up for the biopsy, the clock starts ticking in my head. That familiar feeling and the distant sound of humming the theme song to "Jeopardy."There is always anxiety when you are waiting to hear about something. Good news, like in the waiting room of a hospital when someone you love is giving birth or waiting to get the call that you got the job! Then there is the other feeling, like when you get that sinking feeling in your stomach that something is wrong with a loved one, and you can't get to the phone fast enough to call and see if all is well. Well, that feeling came when I looked at the caller id on my cell phone three days later. I answered the phone with "hello," hoping they had the wrong number. Well, they didn't. They were looking for the same Stacy who had slid by so many times..just missing getting struck out at the home plate. This time, all I heard was "STEE-RIKE"! One of my biopsies came back positive for DCIS stage 0 cancer. The good news is that it is non-invasive and simple to treat. It was so easy to roll off the tongue of the nurse on the other line, and it was this feeling of being in a bubble at that moment. Not the bubble we like (Grant knows what that is about). I told the nurse I wanted to speak with a doctor and have Grant there. She would call me back to see if she could get me in the office the same day. The messed up thing was I hung up the phone and just went back to work. It was like business as usual...maybe that was my defense mechanism...work, be busy, distract. Anybody who knows me well knows that it is my defense of choice.
I finally got the call that she could see me in an hour! Now the dreaded call to my husband Grant, who is busy at work, and I hated having to drop this bomb in his lap now and not in the privacy of our own home. "Here goes nothing," I told myself as I dialed the number I usually call with happy news or a loving, "how's your day going, baby?"
Love is an excellent thing that shows itself in so many ways. Instead of asking tons of questions, crying, or yelling, Grant says, "Stac if I know anyone who's going to get through this and kick ass, it's you! What time and what's the address of the doctor?" Team Stacy started that very moment. "Mom. Gotta call Mom." I tried so hard to compose myself, call with the news, and say, "It's fine. I'll be fine." Not so much. Do you know how a rubber band gets stretched and then snaps right back and hits you in the face? (Hey, that's happened to me), that's what happened the second I heard her voice. We've all had a moment or two in our life when you say to yourself, "I want my mommy!" Well, this was it. Remember the commercial for AT&T, "Reach out, reach out and touch someone"? I wished at that very moment that we were far enough advanced in phone technology that we had phones that would send the smell of the person on the other line. You know, the "mom smell" she wore for as long as you can remember. The one that when you hug her so hard you can smell it on your clothes for hours after? Yup. That's the one! A prayer over the phone would have to do this time.
Grant met me at work, as I was in no shape to drive. It was a pretty quiet ride. The only thing that kept me centered on that ride was the feeling of his hand on mine. Not ALL the time since he drives a standard...but close enough. We find ourselves in the all-too-familiar medical arts building I had graced the doorway of less than a week ago. We sat waiting in the doctor's personal office for her to come in and go over the details. You would think that NOT being in the sterile examining room in a paper gown was a good thing, but this was the scene I had in my head from the movies when the doctor had bad news for you. Our time with the doctor brought me back to high school science class, but I actually paid attention this time. Cells, genetic testing, invasive, non-invasive, ductal carcinoma in-situ, radiation, Tamoxifen, lumpectomy, under 40, family history, and dense breast tissue are all vocab words that were being thrown at me as if there would be a test later! "Bi-lateral mastectomy is also something you may want to consider based on your personal situation Stacy." I remember saying, "and that means what exactly?"
I needed to hear her say it because I thought, "she surely doesn't mean what I thought I heard her say."
"I have a lot to consider," I said as she handed me a three-inch thick binder with "everything you need or may want to know about what you are about to go through is here." As we walked back to the elevator, I told Grant, "I feel like I just signed up for a college course, and I just met the professor!"
Now what? What an overwhelming feeling it was. I immediately thought of how this would change everything; change my outlook on life, my life path, and my work at my job, and I remember thinking, omg, "what is this all going to cost? I'm too busy for this to happen right now!"
I know you are all thinking... "geez, you should just be worried about how you are going to get better,"...but I can assure you that you have a bunch of thoughts going through your head that may make you seem selfish, insane, or not have your priorities straight. You see, a bunch of us think about surface stuff and how cancer will mess everything up on the plan you had for your life. I mean, really...I have it all planned out, and THIS is not part of my life itinerary!
Well, timing is everything, and I learned that day that you cannot control everything! Some group members will laugh when I reference the Janet Jackson song, "Control"...I hear you singing it! It has a new meaning:
"Got my own mind.
I want to make my own decisions.
When it has to do with my life, my life.
I wanna be the one in control!"
I wanted to make my own decisions when it had to do with my life. But this time, I couldn't. I couldn't decide whether to have this happen or not. So the new Stacy is going to:
"Take Stacy by the hand,
and lead me on this dance
(Control) is what I've got, because I do with chance
I don't wanna rule the world,
just wanna run my life.
So make your life a little easier ...
When you get the chance, take control."
TO BE CONTINUED...
For those who are too young to know the song "Control," here you go:

"I Need to Get Something Off My Chest"