Chapter 4 - Superman Isn't Superman All the Time

A co-worker told me today, "Gee, you're doing so much and being so strong; it's like in the movies when you save the kid under the car by lifting up the whole car with one hand! You must feel like that?" The first thing that came to my mind was the movie "Superman" and the scene in the beginning when the young Superman lifts the car up. I'm less than a week away from my surgery date and have felt precisely like Superman for the past few days. I can do it all! I'll get all the projects done before I leave work, I'll get the house cleaned, make sure I have everything I need for the house... I won't think about the surgery; I'll stay really, really busy. People have asked me how I am doing. I have to say that it has been tough this past week to say, "I'm great!" I was trying to explain my vague emotions to Grant last night. I can't put my finger on it. It's not sadness, because I refuse to have a case of the "why me's?"; it's not anger because I am past that feeling that came and went. I don't even think it is fear...I've had many conversations, even with some of you on Facebook or at Starbucks, about your battle with cancer and what to expect. It's just a feeling that something is coming...something big that will affect me for the rest of my life. I just know that "It's" there. I just can't put my finger on what emotion it is precisely. I guess emotions don't always have to have a name. You know, like when someone asks you, "what's wrong?" or "what are you feeling?" You feel like you have to answer with a name of an emotion. Well...I just don't have a name for mine. All I know is that it is making me so exhausted that I can't hardly get through the day; it caused me to break down and cry last night which has not happened for at least a month. It caused me to snap at the ones I love, but then it caused me to laugh so hard that I cried. I feel like I'm at a loss for words on what to say about it and what to share here other than for you to know what is going through my head. Maybe it will help you comfort a loved one who is having a tough day, and they just don't know why. Or perhaps it will help men understand how to deal with a woman and PMS! (good luck!). The whole purpose of my writing is to help me get my feelings out, which has been great, but it is also to shed some light on what goes through a person's mind when they go through a traumatic experience. Everyone handles things differently and reacts differently, but maybe by hearing what I'm thinking will help YOU. It's a tremendous job to be Superman. It's been hard to keep up with what I promised I would be through this. Your entire being is fighting with you and saying, "Come on, Stac...it's easier to just be mad or be sad...or hide in your house depressed." Yeah, it is a hell of a lot easier. It's hard to keep that car lifted. Superman isn't Superman all the time. He is Clark Kent...a TOTALLY different version of himself. And you know what?...that's OK. Without Clark Kent, there wouldn't be the awesome superhero that everybody knows and loves. By the way, my birthday is tomorrow, and this movie is older than me! This is the scene that flashed into my mind today...Classic! 

​