Chapter 5 - Hold On Loosely

It’s the day before the big day, and I decide to work until noon, say goodbye to my co-workers and receive hugs and “good-lucks.” From there, I head to the one place you would think I would want to stay far away from…Hartford Hospital. But at their Wellness Center, I got a free acupuncture treatment and a 90-minute massage from Outer Peace Wellness in West Hartford. You would think it would have been tough to relax and take my mind off the next 12 hours, but I found complete serenity in spending time with myself and my thoughts the rest of the day. When I got home, it was like any other night in the Routhier household; two snoring french bulldogs on my lap (ignoring Grant because they knew that I needed their loving at the moment) and catching up on our shows on the DVR. As I lay in bed that night, I thought about all the comments I received on Facebook via text, phone calls…I could hear all of your voices…"You got this!”, “ we will be thinking of you,” or “Stacy Strong!”. When I closed my eyes, all of your positive vibes, prayers, Reiki, thoughts, angels, etc., took over my mind as I slept. I tell ya, I slept like a baby. My only time of awakening was the sound of a high-frequency vibration that I had only heard once in my life…I smiled and drifted off to sleep.
The following day was so freakin early! Maybe they figured I wouldn’t be as anxious because I was practically still asleep as they were checking me in. I grabbed my little overnight bag like I was going to a sleepover and took my place in the pre-op room. Within the first thirty minutes of being there, I must have met five nurses and a few staff physicians who looked right out of college, but everyone made me feel at ease. Even when we got off the elevator to the pre-op floor, a guy was waiting to meet you as if he were a waiter at some big fancy restaurant…."May I show you to your table, dear? I mean, pre-op room, dear?”
After getting dressed in those oh-so-fashionable gowns, I lay on the bed and looked over at Grant, who was smiling at me. He says, “I’m so proud of you, baby!”. Cue the sappy music…go….as I gazed into his eyes, I saw that he was proud, but I noticed that vulnerable side that people try to fight sometimes. Well, I saw it that day in his eyes, just beyond the pride as he looked at me. I knew he was terrified, but I assured him that I was calm as a cucumber (and I don’t even like cucumbers!). I really was. I remember the last time in the hospital was for a simple outpatient procedure, maybe a colonoscopy, but either way, I remember my teeth chattering as I was so cold…I talked a mile a minute, and I was nervous like crazy. I looked back at Grant and said, I seriously cannot believe this is the same Stacy sitting here. I am so calm! My sister Doreen and my Mom showed up, which was comforting, and all they could do was stare at me. I think it was Doreen that said after, “you were so calm; it was kind of freakin’ us out!”
After taking a trip to the nuclear medicine floor for radioactive isotope tracing to my lymph nodes, they wheeled me back up to the waiting area with my family. This was it…all my doctors and anesthesiologists came over and said, “ok, Stac…ya ready?” I kissed my support team one by one; Mom said a prayer over me, and they wheeled me away as I gave a thumbs up. We get into the operating room, and yes, it is as cold as everyone says it is for some reason. I remember hearing the song verse, “Just hold on loosely, don’t let go. If you cling too tightly, you’re gonna lose control…”. What I now know after looking it up is “Hold on Loosely” by 38 Special. It came out only two years after I was born!! (I hear you saying to the computer screen...” how could you NOT know who that is, Stac!?!?”) I hear Dr. Eisenberg say in the background as they put the oxygen mask on me…” music, ok Stacy? We rock it out in here!” I chuckled, smiled, and couldn’t tell you the rest as I drifted off.
Now that I look back and I am comfortable with writing again after being off some pretty heavy narcotics, I realize why that song was playing at the very moment, on that very line. I was in control of that morning, the day before, and the weeks leading up to it. I controlled my feelings as best I could and my state of mind so I would be calm as a cucumber and did it all by myself. Now, I am not taking for granted the fact that I have an excellent support team, but as the song says, “just hold on loosely, and don’t let go”…have enough strength to be in control, but be loose enough to know that you CAN break down and cry in the shower, you can laugh till you pee, (not literally), you can be mad if you want. If I cling too tightly, then the actual emotions and the experience I had to go through will not set in and make all the extraordinary personal changes it has made for me up to this point! Wow! Who knew a song I didn’t know who sang it two years after I was born (with huge hair, I might add) would leave such a strong message within me. It’s all in how you look at things. Perspective. That is what I got out of that song at that very moment, but maybe somebody else heard a different line that resonated with them when they were a teenager at a school dance or playing it in a Ford van with their friends. Hmmm. I’ll be 38 next year… a coincidence??? Wink ;-)

​