Chapter 3 - I Will Be Confident In My Fear

I gotta say, it's the strangest feeling to go from an emotional roller coaster of sorts from pre-mastectomy decision to post-decision. It was as if a gray cloud following me disintegrated away as quickly as a Florida afternoon thunderstorm. The sadness was gone, the "why me?" feeling, and the uncomfortableness of preventative decision-making was gone…all gone. Well, not all. Now fear has set in. "FEAR," the word itself sounds scary. "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself," and "Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live." "Thinking will not overcome fear, but action will." When faced with an illness or an event that will be life-altering, it is hard to imagine that anything else would scare them. Until I was given this situation, I had many fears. I was not sure why at the time, but I was bullied starting in fourth grade when we moved to a new neighborhood. That meant a new school and new "friends." I love how everyone always says, "you'll make new friends" why doesn't anybody ever tell the truth..." you'll make new enemies too." Girls can be the meanest type of bully. Caddy, gossipy, walloping you at your knees with the exact sayings that race in your head when you are alone…" you're no good, you're ugly, what a dork you are, you're a slut”. I don't know why we look back and say, "I can't believe I let those girls get to me." Until recently (and I am 36), I did let those girls get to me. Walking in the hallways at school and trying not to make eye contact with anyone so I wouldn't give them a reason to talk about me or shout at me. There is a slight resemblance to how I sometimes walk through the mall alone because of it. There is a constant fear for me of never being able to get over those kinds of thoughts. I have a fear of sticking up for myself and speaking my truth sometimes. I still struggle with the anxiety of not knowing what I'm doing in my first Director position at a new job in a brand new field of work. I still fear things I cannot see (a fancy way of saying I'm afraid of the dark when I'm alone!).
As I read all of these "fears" I just listed, I sort of chuckled to myself because none of these are "fears." I mean, really, Stacy, "FEAR"? These are things that I am "AFRAID" of. "Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live." I began to live the day I found out about the cancer. It didn't happen all at once, but pretty quickly; I was not afraid to ask for help, not scared to speak up when someone was not treating me with respect, not afraid to leave work at a decent hour and know that the work will be there the next day. Not afraid to say," Stac, you can't do it all; you are only one person." Not afraid to say, "I AM good at what I do." These are all things I used to associate with the fear of not getting over the past and letting it affect me in my everyday life. I think God was trying to tell me all along to get over that stuff and to stop being afraid. Being the stubborn Italian that I am, I just kept letting it get to me and letting the things I was scared of control my life. God must have said, "I got to do something to wake this girl up!". I do believe that everything happens for a reason. I remind myself of that now instead of saying, "why did God let this happen to me?" You know how people say illnesses like cancer can really put things in perspective? Well, it has done that for me for sure, but it also woke my ass up! I honestly can say that I feel like a different Stacy. Little things don't bother me anymore, I feel more confident and carefree, and I feel myself walking taller and taller. I even went to the mall last week, and it felt good to walk around this time and smile at EVERY person I walked by. That is why I am celebrating this whole experience. Cancer finally shook all those things I was afraid of right out of me. I have a new outlook on life and a new perspective on ME. 
I do believe, though, that I have fear for what I am about to undergo. However, I think that fear and confidence go hand in hand. You can have confident fear and fear of confidence. I know you were probably thinking to yourself, "what? I have to read that again, really slowly"! Let me break it down-I HAD a fear of confidence. A confident person would not let all those things I was afraid of get to them. By getting to them, I mean to alter their personality because of it and how they live their life. How they interact with people and how it runs their minds. I feared I didn't know how to overcome those things, even after therapy sessions and fleeting moments of feeling good about myself. NOW, I have a confident fear. Confident fear is knowing that something is about to happen that will alter my life and send me on that emotional rollercoaster again, but I am convinced that it has happened on purpose and that all will be fine. I've already proven that this cancer has happened on purpose. It has a reason to be in my life; it has given me a reason to share my thoughts and use them to help me heal emotionally; it has given me a reason to share my thoughts with the people I love so maybe they will get some inspiration or look at things differently in their own life. All of these things are GOOD things! So how could I NOT have confident fear!?! Everything is happening for a reason, there is a plan for me, and I am satisfied with all of the good things that have come out of it so far. But, there is reason to have a fear of the unknown. So many of you have told me that you would think it was weird if I said I wasn't scared. I have never experienced anything like this, and the surgery and the thought of having my breasts removed instilled fear in me. BUT I WILL BE CONFIDENT IN MY FEAR! When you type in caps, it's supposed to mean you are yelling…well, I AM!!!-at the top of my lungs!!! I am confident that more good things will come out of this situation for me, AND I believe for you who are reading this.

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I'm writing to post how appreciative I am of all the wonderful posts, pictures, and comments for my family and me! It feels so good to wake up and start my day reading all the love and positivity! I've been feeling a bit of anxiety at work because I can practically hear the clock ticking on the countdown to the 14th. No matter how much you think you have prepared, you can't do it all. I'm always the one taking care of everything in a department one that it's tough to let it go. Grants betting me that I'll be on a Skype call with work the first week I'm out. I'm determined to prove him wrong! :)