Chapter 7 - If You Can’t Do Anything About It, Let It Go

As my six-week recovery approaches and I head back to work, I'm trying to think of a way to summarize that timeframe for you from my point of view. I'm struggling a bit because so many emotions, realizations, and struggles happened during that time. Anybody who knows me knows that it's hard for me to not do everything myself. Having my Mom stay with me for almost two weeks was a test of that. It was yet another thing that I didn't have control over. I couldn't change my doctor's orders. I couldn't control the random knife-like feeling around my back that brought tears to my eyes from happening. I couldn't control the muscle spasms all over my body from the trauma from the surgery or the difficult pains and sensations I felt as my body healed and my nerve endings and tissues started rebuilding. Short of a self-induced zombie state cocktail of meds, I couldn't control whether I would have a good night's sleep or one where I counted each ceiling popcorn until morning. I listened to Grant, and my Mom, who told me that all those things were good! They are signs of your body healing. I had to let it go and accept the process.
I saw a quote saying, "if you can't do anything about it, let it go. Don't be a prisoner to things you can't change."
I refused to make my time at home feel like a prison sentence. So, I sat outside on my patio and watched our two French bulldogs sniff everywhere on the patio imaginable as if they had never been out there before. I thought about how lucky we were to have them.
So, I went on short walks with my Mom to regain strength. We talked and walked, talked and walked. I began to look forward to our outings. I focused on how lucky I was to be with my Mom all those days and to just BE with her.
So, I colored into the most intricate and meditative adult coloring books that some of you gave me. I remembered how much I liked to color as a kid, not knowing that one day it would pull me into the art so deep that I forgot about the emptiness where my breasts once were.
So, I acknowledged when I was tired and took a nap which is something energizer bunnies don't do. I stopped when I needed to rest and wrote when I needed to get my feelings out. I welcomed visitors from friends and family who loved and wanted to be with me. I was excited as our two dogs are when it's time for a walk every time we have to go out to a doctor's appointment for physical therapy. Everything had a greater meaning. Even when it had the potential to feel like a prison.
Now that I have to go back to reality, I'm choosing to keep that greater meaning in everything I do with me. Many more walks are in order, and the coloring books will not go on a shelf to collect dust. I will continue to read this support page and my many words of love and encouragement from all of you. I realize that the things I took for granted and the things I took advantage of should not go away with a doctor's work clearance note. Besides physically getting better, every day should be spent like time in recovery. Stop and smell the roses, NOT just because you're on the doctor-ordered 10-minute walk. It won't be easy to always remember to do that for most of us. I have physical reminders for the rest of my life that I'm choosing as MY reminder to live with gratitude, fortitude, and strength every day. We've all been that person we want to be for even the slightest glimmer at one time in our life. Think back to what your reminder is.

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